Anti- trust!

I believe I've nearly gotten to the point where I accept the fact that most people are good and all have a selfish side. No imagined barrier can keep them from ever hurting you, even the most religious and spiritually intuned can cause other's pain; but most people don't want to. It's the idea that all people want to is that can become flawed, though many do, most inadvertently do. The internet is a horrible place for the sensitive soul, much too easy to read sarcasm and cruelty into words typed, and yet often a place where people speak things they wouldn't in person, either being less honest, too honest, or simply lacking in feeling. Either way, speaking face to face with someone can never- ever compare; if someone does hide behind a computer- they may not be worth opening up to...

Somewhere, someone is in the exact same situation emotionally and mentally as us- but we'll never know from the barrier's we all put up; it's so much easier to not think about how they are doing, than it is to only see what we assume and judge superficially. I too often let people who've hurt me go into an untouchable category in which anything good that they've said to me becomes lies and deceit.

I've somehow come to believe that there is nothing I can do about the deceitful people in my world, or those who do intentionally hurt me; I can't try to control who and what deceives me or hurts me. Only the atonement will clean up that mess! And that takes effort on the individual- nothing can be forced whatsoever.

What's hard is accepting that many people are not ready or willing to share in your burdens, and that Christ is the only true source of unyeilding love and compassion. The Lord touches our souls so that we can see each other like he sees, which is the most beautiful thing to me about the atonement; rare and beautiful- He is the only sure rock of hope.

I've yet to get to the point where I care more about people than myself, but I've had real glimpses of the freedom of such Charity. It's the key to freedom from so much sin as the Bible states: 1 Pet. 4: 8 "And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins." I believe this to be true- because nearly all sin begins with selfishness- and all sin is selfish in one way or another.

Facebook

Kinda sucks ya in, and just kinda sucks... I find myself absorbed into the idea that just being on it will create a social life, it really can help, but man it really can drag ya down and or mesmerize you into a state of stupor. I delete a lot of friends on there; year ago- deleted 200 people at once- because I am so open and honest- my insecurities drove me to delete anyone that might possibly not give a crap... Recently I have done the same, to one person that I like a lot, but feel associating with online only annoys me or brings me down... in person I like them, but the net makes things way more complicated than needs be...

Depression Sucks

Whatever the myriad of causes of depression, this word [depression] doesn't do it justice... I've been feeling ultimately trapped by my own situation, feeling like I've tried with opportunity after opportunity... I'd recently talked to a friend who felt they had nothing to give to the world, he was trapped by disappointments and believed he wouldn't be missed if they just died, all I could tell him was to be Christlike and things will fall back into place (spiritual remedy for anxiety), along with something holistic and not addictive like herbs or essential oils to deal with the physical effects (fight or flight) of anxiety, which sometimes is really the true catalyst for suicide. I have done this and it has worked; once I was so upset by my current work situation, I was angry, feeling trapped, I took an herb before heading over to rant to a friend, and half way through my rant (how long it took to kick in)- the anxiety completely dropped out and I was almost frustrated that I was so calm and relaxed, but with that perspective came and that minor situation became very minor to me- kindof ruining my rant. But when you're in that moment of feeling trapped- you forget to remedy yourself.

Satan truly is a fantastic liar!! He makes you see a small portion of your life that may be going wrong; shuts out the eternal perspective the gospel brings; tries to make you angry so that you lose the spirit, then hits you with all your deepest insecurities so that you can't be picked up by the Lord and carried away from the filth of lies! Not until you let go of anger and accept that life will suck no matter how perfect we are and that misfortune is nearly inevitable, stop kicking against the pricks- so to speak- you won't find peace. You have stop having such high expectations and realize you don't get what you deserve in this life (it's in many revelations to the Lord's anointed)- at all... NOT until the end, and if you end it too soon- you will be 'shorted worse' than your current situation...

When you do find the strength to accept your current situation (whether a result of others or your own- doesn't make a true difference), not be angry and have the eternal perspective (pre-earth life, mortal test, the much longer and more glorious after-life- even if you make to the lowest Kingdom- a millions times better than Earth)- then you can once again run into the Savior's arms where true love and mercy reside. Look at how close you are to something grand and see that the Devil saw something wonderful about to happen and had to cut you down to keep you from it, because of his evil plan to make us miserable! Why? Understanding the Pre-mortal life, the devil was selfish, he didn't want us to grow, he wanted to be above us, but the Savior didn't want the Glory... he followed the Father's Plan for us, and he was willing to Sacrifice His spotless life for us, to descend farther below than we ever could, just so that we could grow in this imperfect Mortal life- just like our Father did, and become LIKE him... The Savior wanted to bring us up to where he was and would be, he didn't want the Glory; but the devil is the great deceiver, as he deceived one third of us before, now in their misery they seek to deceive each of us who did stand up to them to save as many as we could before getting cast out of the Father's presence and sent down to Earth to tempt us so that we could be tested... So many fall for the lies even after knowing the deceptive recipe, we get caught up in this life of money, popularity, and inert selfishness that is taking over our society like the Black Plague.

I've been writing on here for about a year now... No matter how you cut it- life is tough! But this life is short, and it's the only realm in which we can truly grow and change... We're not here to be popular, to be liked, and being a woman- I may never get married and it's okay! Because I've tried. I may be an absolute social phobe to the day I die, but I'll be alright... I may meet people that I love and just want to have as my best confidants and they may completely hate me, and I'll always have the Savior who will never blow me off or wish me to not be around... It's not hard to see why others may not like me, I've been so misunderstood for my shyness and lack of trust of anything that moves... Talk about trying to keep from killing yourself, when you go home and you're told, while watching home videos of happier times, a relative tells you straight that they think you should kill yourself because this and that (basically everything you'd confided as being recent hardships)- you should give up; that I will never get married because of everything about me that I can not change. To be able to look that person in the face and see the lies, is empowering... To tell someone who is abusing you that (luckily living in the USA)- you can call the cops and they can be thrown in jail... and to have them stop- is even more amazing (thus the onset of emotional/verbal abuse- used to just be four letter words with no meaning whatsoever... now just words that cut to the bone... whatever is worse!... but with the Savior- I can see past it)

Dependence

I'm a greatly independent person, partly because I only feel harmony when I'm in control; when I'm depending on others I feel vulnerable to their own whim. Dating is a huge risk, friendships can be just about as high of a risk; people can be kind and they also can be pretty mean. It's hard to handle a person's personal whim and take a chance on being liked or not. I am doing better, but every so often am appalled by how inconsiderate some individuals can truly be. Sometimes putting up guards only suffocates you from what you need the most and you're only suffering more.

Lately I am doing a lot better in taking care of myself in the arts, they are my medicine for mortality. In creating and expressing myself in art I am more free and alive than I can be in any social setting; yet being free around others is less of a challenge than once was; but setbacks have thrown me for some great loops- and I've found some efforts result in such painful disaster that I want to just scream at the person, though there is no resolution in site...

My Aura is Orange

"Orange personalities are the creative adventurers in the color spectrum. They have an inner urge to be creative, active and enjoy life to its fullest. They are also individual and independent and integrate physical and mental qualities. They enjoy the challenge and excitement of forming and shaping physical reality. Orange personalities love to imagine and plan strategies for their next adventure or project and then put those plans into action. They need to be involved in the actual working process and want to physically shape and form their own ideas. They have difficulty sitting back and letting other people do things for them. They are always busy building, organizing and shaping their projects and physical reality. An Orange personality's motivation in life is based on how much pleasure and satisfaction they get out of their own adventures, challenges and creative projects. They want to be adventurous, creative and live out their own ideas."

I was kinda down and out a few days ago, and it all dawned on me- how much happier I am when I'm singing, dancing, acting, painting, and drawing- or performing (creating) in some form or medium... I am completely independent and happy when I am; all of that is so... true... I'm always trying to find creative ways to get things done.

The Arts to me are somewhat reminiscent of our pre-mortality; it's all so beautiful and heavenly- no wonder so many 'true' artists have trouble feeling as happy or fulfilled in day-to-day life; there is nothing so exquisite as the Arts...

Euphoria

Seeing the huge dark clouds hovering over the mountains like a warm blanket- I felt greatly inclined to take a drive... I felt so calm seeing the beautiful mountains stumped by my huge blanket of clouds, and the beautiful dark blue swimming throughout. Played the same song over and over in my car, and felt finally able to just relax...

Time and time again I try too hard to get certain things in life that I want so badly, yet a part of me wants them to just happen... I have so much trouble looking for other possibilities that I automatically set myself up for having bad odds. My fear paralyzes me and any minute effort fails before it even begins... Life is like that- when you don't try full speed or go with things half heartedly- they fall short of your expectations, because you fell short of theirs.

Never again will I make the exact same mistake twice, just similar situations gradually get easier- though still causing me much pain when things fall. Finding my voice, and finding the blessings in various herbal therapies- I am so greatly impressed with how my patience improves, and my fears depart.

Amazed...

How amazing it is to get enough sleep and take care of yourself... And yet, a needed balance of the arts is what I need to really stay sane. I think I've somehow overcome much adversity by putting myself through such pressure and strain the last few months- working a graveyard shift job and going to school full time. Somehow seeing how far I can push myself helped me to be a slightly more patient person- when I was on edge and lacking all patience as a maniac sleep deprived little girl.

Along the way of sleep deprivation I've learned how greatly important it is to not be absorbed by what others think of me in general. I've gotten so caught up with my social anxiety- that I become literally paralyzed by the fear of someone, or someones not liking me; and yet deep down knowing those who don't- don't really know the real me- because the shy me is someone totally different... My reactions to my social anxiety are not my personality, yet others can't comprehend the difference; over years of being opening scrutinized by sweet young men at church (one girl and 7 boys at church...), and being told I was things that I was not- I realized their inaccurate perception of me were just that- inaccurate.

I believe that overcoming such blatant and harsh criticism my whole life has made me strong enough to quickly realized when someone's view of me should be disregarded, yet balancing the times when I should care seem to be more difficult. There is the internal you, then there is the internal you that is at a battle to express the real you, then there's the mess that comes out in words and body language... We all have trouble fulling expressing who we really are, but those who are at a near constant struggle to say exactly what they want to and express through body language what they want to come out in a battled mess sometimes; yet the advantage being an ability to be so straight forward and assertive in a way that others would be too afraid to be. My weakness has created some very interesting strengths...